Dua When A Loss Occurs

When someone who counts for you is grieving after a loss, it can be difficult to know what to say or what to do. Bereaved people struggle with many intense and painful emotions, including depression, anger, guilt and deep sadness. Often, they also feel isolated and alone in their grief because intense pain and difficult emotions can make people uncomfortable to offer support.

You may be afraid of intruding, saying the wrong thing, or making your loved one feel worse during this difficult time. Or maybe you think you can do little to improve things. This is understandable. But do not let discomfort prevent you from reaching out to someone who is in mourning. Now more than ever, your loved one needs your support. You do not need to have answers, give advice, say and do the right things. The most important thing you can do for a person in mourning is just to be there. It is your support and attentive presence that will help your loved one to cope with the pain and gradually begin to heal.

Keys to help a loved one grieving
Do not let the fears of saying or doing the wrong thing stop you from reaching out
Tell your loved one in mourning that you are here to listen

Understand that everyone is crying differently and for different durations

Offer to help in a practical way
Maintain your support after burial
Helping a grieving person tip 1: understanding the grieving process
The better you understand grief and its healing, the better you will be able to help a bereaved friend or family member:

There is no good or bad way to mourn. Grief does not always occur in orderly and predictable stages. It can be emotional roller coasters, with ups and downs and unpredictable setbacks. Everyone suffers differently, so avoid telling your loved one what he should or should feel.

Grief can involve extreme emotions and behaviors. Feelings of guilt, anger, hopelessness and fear are common. A person in mourning can cry out in heaven, be obsessed with death, blame their loved ones or cry for hours. Your loved one needs to be reassured that what he thinks is normal. Do not judge them and do not take their grief reactions personally.

There is no fixed schedule for bereavement. For many people, recovery after death lasts between 18 and 24 months, but for others, the process of mourning can be longer or shorter. Do not force your loved one to move on and do not give him the feeling of suffering for too long. This can actually slow down the healing process.

Tip # 2: Knowing what to say to someone grieving

While many of us worry about what to say to a grieving person, it’s actually more important to listen. Oftentimes, well-meaning people avoid talking about the death or change the subject when the deceased person is mentioned. Or, knowing there’s nothing they can say to make it better, they try to avoid the grieving person altogether.

But the bereaved need to feel that their loss is acknowledged, it’s not too terrible to talk about, and their loved one won’t be forgotten. One day they may want to cry on your shoulder, on another day they may want to vent, or sit in silence, or share memories. By being present and listening compassionately, you can take your cues from the grieving person. Simply being there and listening to them can be a huge source of comfort and healing.

How to talk—and listen—to someone who’s grieving

While you should never try to force someone to open up, it’s important to let your grieving friend or loved one know that you’re there to listen if they want to talk about their loss. Talk candidly about the person who died and don’t steer away from the subject if the deceased’s name comes up. And when it seems appropriate, ask sensitive questions—without being nosy—that invite the grieving person to openly express their feelings. By simply asking, “Do you feel like talking?” you’re letting your loved one know that you’re available to listen.

You can also:

Acknowledge the situation. For example, you could say something as simple as: “I heard that your father died.” By using the word “died” you’ll show that you’re more open to talk about how the grieving person really feels.

Express your concern. For example: “I’m sorry to hear that this happened to you.”

Let the bereaved talk about how their loved one died. People who are grieving may need to tell the story over and over again, sometimes in minute detail. Be patient. Repeating the story is a way of processing and accepting the death. With each retelling, the pain lessens. By listening patiently and compassionately, you’re helping your loved one heal.

Ask how your loved one feels. The emotions of grief can change rapidly so don’t assume you know how the bereaved person feels at any given time. If you’ve gone through a similar loss, share your own experience if you think it would help. Remember, though, that grief is an intensely individual experience. No two people experience it exactly the same way, so don’t claim to “know” what the person is feeling or compare your grief to theirs. Again, put the emphasis on listening instead, and ask your loved one to tell you how they’re feeling.

Accept your loved one’s feelings. Let the grieving person know that it’s okay to cry in front of you, to get angry, or to break down. Don’t try to reason with them over how they should or shouldn’t feel. Grief is a highly emotional experience, so the bereaved need to feel free to express their feelings—no matter how irrational—without fear of judgment, argument, or criticism.

Be genuine in your communication. Don’t try to minimize their loss, provide simplistic solutions, or offer unsolicited advice. It’s far better to just listen to your loved one or simply admit: “I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care.”

Be willing to sit in silence. Don’t press if the grieving person doesn’t feel like talking. Often, comfort for them comes from simply being in your company. If you can’t think of something to say, just offer eye contact, a squeeze of the hand, or a reassuring hug.

Offer your support. Ask what you can do for the grieving person. Offer to help with a specific task, such as helping with funeral arrangements, or just be there to hang out with or as a shoulder to cry on.

Things to avoid saying to someone who’s grieving

“It’s part of God’s plan.” This phrase can make people angry and they often respond with, “What plan? Nobody told me about any plan.”

“Look at what you have to be thankful for.” They know they have things to be thankful for, but right now they are not important.

“He’s in a better place now.” The bereaved may or may not believe this. Keep your beliefs to yourself unless asked.

“This is behind you now; it’s time to get on with your life.” Sometimes the bereaved are resistant to getting on with because they feel this means “forgetting” their loved one. Besides, moving on is much easier said than done. Grief has a mind of its own and works at its own pace.

Statements beginning with “You should” or “You will do it”. These statements are too directive. Instead, you can start your comments with: “Have you thought about …” or “You could try …”

Source: American Hospice Foundation

Tip 3: Offer practical assistance
It is difficult for many mourners to ask for help. They may feel guilty of receiving so much attention, fearing to be a burden to others, or simply being too depressed to reach out. A person in mourning may not have the energy or motivation to call you when they need something, so instead of saying “Let me know if I have something to do”, make it easy by making specific suggestions. You could say, “I’m going to the market this afternoon. What can I bring you from there? “Or” I prepared a beef stew for dinner. When can I bring you some?

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If you can, try to be consistent in your support offers. The person in mourning will know that you will be there as long as necessary and can count on your attention without having to make the extra effort to ask again and again.

There are many practical ways to help a person in mourning. You can offer to:

Shopping or shopping
Place a saucepan or other type of food
Help with funeral arrangements
Stay at your beloved home to take phone calls and receive guests
Help with insurance forms or invoices
Take care of housework, such as cleaning or laundry
Watch their children or pick them up at school
Drive your beloved wherever he is
Take care of the pets of your loved one
Accompany them to a support group meeting
Accompany them during a walk
Take them lunch or a movie
Share a nice activity (sport, game, puzzle, art project)
Tip 4: Provide ongoing support
Your loved one will continue to mourn long after the funeral ends and the cards and flowers are stopped. The duration of the grief process varies from person to person, but it often lasts much longer than most people expect. Your friend or family member in mourning may need your support for months or even years.

Continue your support for the long term. Stay in touch with the grieving person by recording, passing or sending letters or cards. Once the funeral is over and the other mourners are gone, and the initial shock of loss has dissipated, your support is more precious than ever.

Do not make assumptions based on appearances. The bereaved person may look beautiful outside while suffering inside. Avoid saying things like “You are so good” or “You look so good”. This encourages the person to keep appearances and to hide his true feelings.

The pain of grief can never heal completely. Be sensitive to the fact that life can never feel the same. You do not “overcome” the death of a loved one. The bereaved person can learn to accept the loss. Pain may decrease in intensity over time, but sadness may never completely disappear.

Offer extra support on special days. Certain periods and days of the year will be particularly difficult for your friend or bereaved family member. Holidays, family milestones, birthdays and anniversaries often arouse sorrow. Be sensitive to these occasions. Tell the bereaved person that you are here for what she needs.

Tip 5: Watch for the warning signs of depression

It is common for a person in mourning to feel depressed, confused, disconnected from others or go insane. But if the bereaved person’s symptoms do not gradually begin to fade – or worsen over time – it may indicate that normal grief has become a more serious problem, such as clinical depression.

Encourage the bereaved person to seek the help of a professional if you notice any of the following warning signs after the initial period of bereavement, especially if more than two months have passed since the death.

Difficulty of functioning in everyday life
Extreme concentration on death
Excessive bitterness, anger or guilt
Neglecting personal hygiene
Abuse of alcohol or drugs
Inability to enjoy life
hallucinations
To withdraw from others
Constant feeling of hopelessness
Talk about dying or suicide
It can be difficult to communicate your concerns to the grieving person because you do not want to be perceived as invasive. Instead of telling the person what to do, try to express your own feelings: “I am troubled by the fact that you are not sleeping – you may have to seek help.”

Take very seriously the discussions about suicide
If a friend or bereaved family member is talking about suicide, seek help immediately. Please read Suicide prevention or call a suicide helpline:

In the United States, call 1-800-273-8255.
In the United Kingdom, call 116 123.
Or visit IASP for a helpline in your country.
How to comfort a child in mourning
Even very young children feel the pain of grief, but they learn to express their sorrow by observing the adults around them. After a loss, especially of a brother or relative, children need support, stability and honesty. They may also need to be reassured to know that they will be cared for and safe. As an adult, you can help children throughout the grief process by showing them that it is acceptable to be sad and helping them make sense of their loss.

Answer any questions the child might have with the utmost sincerity. Use very simple, honest and concrete terms to explain death to a child. Children, especially young children, can blame themselves for what has happened and the truth helps them to see that they are not at fault.

Open communication will make it easier for a child to express feelings of distress. Because children often express themselves through stories, games, and artwork, encourage this self-expression and look for clues in these activities about how they are doing.

Helping a grieving child
Make:
Allow your child, regardless of age, to attend the funeral if he wishes.
Pass on your spiritual values concerning life and death or pray with your child.
Meet regularly with your family to find out how everyone is doing.
Help your child find ways to symbolize and commemorate the deceased.
Keep your child’s daily routine as normal as possible.
Pay attention to how your child plays; It can be the way they communicate their grief.
Do not:
Forcing a child to cry publicly if he does not want to do it.
Give false or confusing messages, such as “Grandma sleeps now”.
Tell a child to stop crying because others may get angry.
Try to protect a child from loss. Children understand much more than adults think. Including them in the grieving process will help them adapt and heal.
Choke your tears. Crying in front of your child, you convey the message that he can also express his feelings.
Turn your child into your personal confidante. Rely on another adult or support group.

Dua When a loss occurs