. In the name of Allah, the inspirer of the truth.
In life, it is only natural that things do not always happen as we wish. Life is full of difficulties, challenges and obstacles. What defines whether a person will succeed in this life is the knowledge of how to handle these problems in a correct and judicious manner. This is what our religion teaches us – the belief in Allah and the firm acceptance that He is our Lord and our support help us to rise above our egocentric nature, because we have a higher authority to invoke, to please , seek the support we receive rewards in this life and the next. A believer’s trust in Allah makes him understand that despite all the apparent negativities that can surround him at any time in his life, if he continues to do what is right in the right way, that is, say according to deen, then Allah will help him and guide him to a better end, for Allah is the Wise, the one who knows everything.
Complain about our spouses
Many of us may have seen in their own family or elsewhere a married couple who have problems with each other – a few months after the beginning of the marriage, when the romantic period when everything seemed to smell roses gone, the defects of the wife begin to appear. become apparent. Each begins to see gaps in the other that she has not noticed so far and may even start to regret having married her partner. So the first thing they do, especially for women, is to call their mother. Mothers will naturally be biased towards their own son or daughter. This is the reality and the mothers should not be blamed for that, it is exactly what they are (and may Allah bless them, because its positive aspect is really beneficial to us). Even supposedly “hard” fathers are sometimes guilty of this favoritism!
In a related story, it is mentioned that a woman called her mother every time she had a problem with her husband. While her mother normally listened to her complaints and the two indulged in a painful session, once, the woman was surprised to hear a response different from that of her mother. She asked him, “Did you first pray to Allah to solve your problem?” The girl was very surprised to find that her mother had never asked for anything before. She continued, “Look at my daughter. I love you very much, but I think it’s unfair to keep talking about your husband like that. The girl was stunned. She was completely surprised by the answer, because it was the same mother who had always listened and supported her, who offered to answer the husband and who had blindly taken her in all situations. Surprising as it may have been for the girl, the mother realized that supporting her daughter by retorting the son-in-law did nothing to improve the situation. The mother then explained, “Your husband and you have a very special relationship, which I do not have with your husband. Whatever happens between you two, it is much easier for you to solve the problem between yourself, to forget, to be patient and to forgive yourself. I look at the situation as a third party, with emotional attachments to you alone and not to him, so I do not want you to call me about this problem anymore. The words of the mother hit the house and the girl realized that it was her own responsibility to solve her problems. Soon Allah Most High gave her the wisdom to approach them herself and the problems were quickly solved between husband and wife. This mother had some wisdom in what she had said to her daughter. Many parents are not like this and will continue to take steps to support their children. If our parents speak badly of our spouses, even if they are perfect for us, we will inevitably begin to think badly of them. While this is very difficult, we need to be able to politely tell our parents that what they expect and expect from our spouses may not be the same and that there is nothing more to say.
. Emotional blackmail
Another common problem between spouses that can be extremely detrimental to relationships is the concept of “emotional blackmail”. When tensions rise, the husband can quickly say, “I am going to divorce!” And the woman can be even quicker to answer: “Give me the divorce then! If you do not love me, why do not you really do it? Although in most cases they do not say what they say, but are simply in a state of increased emotion and get carried away, the husbands can say things like that to each other. In some extreme cases, this type of explosion can even lead to a real divorce, even though it did not really mean anything at the beginning of the dispute. We must understand that the words we utter from our mouth can have a significant impact on our lives, whether we consider them seriously or not. Such an important question is the impact of the words that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to change the names of those who bore bad names, replacing them with pleasing names. On one occasion, he met a man named Hazn, which meant “the wounded,” and changed his name to Sahl, which means “easy going.”
Just as the names and words we utter have an impact on us, we must also realize that if we continue to tell ourselves bad things, whether we like them or not, Shaytan will seize this opportunity to create a discord between two people. , especially the spouses. Sometimes people simply are not in the right frame of mind to consider things calmly: the husband may have had a hard day at work, had traffic problems and when he gets home he can be stressed, hungry, tired and frustrated. Similarly, the woman may have had a particularly tiring day at home, with the children having fun or feeling simply exhausted by the lack of adult society all day long. In these moments, it is therefore particularly important to think about how we should greet ourselves, what we say to ourselves and how we say it.
We must be able to admit that we all make mistakes and sometimes behave with each other in a way that we should not do. But even when we realize that we have made a mistake in our behavior, our arrogance prevents us from going to our partner and saying salam, making peace. The Prophet (may Allah bless him and give him peace) said: “He who says the first salam is free from arrogance” (Bayhaqi). This arrogance is the very thing that prevents us from being reconciled – we carry the misconception that if we admit our fault, our spouse will always try to take advantage of us. In reality, admitting the mistake to the wife or husband will probably increase love. The practice of admitting errors and being reconciled with our partner will increase the likelihood that they will also return the favor when making a mistake. Say kind words, bring gifts, be the first to say Salam, ask how were the days of each one and try to make others understand that we really care about us; these are the things that “score points” with our spouse. We must make an active effort to do these things and we must be aware of the needs of our spouses. Men and women are not the same and will appreciate different things. Women can feel pampered with gifts while a man with the same gift would find it an insult to his manhood! A man may simply need the attention and feminine care of his wife. At the end of the day, the more points a couple can earn, the happier and more romantic their relationship will be.
Many men think that as soon as children arrive, they become more important than their wives. In the example of the Prophet (may Allah bless him and give him peace) and the Companions, love is centered on the relationship between the spouses and not between the parents and the children. The parent-child relationship should be more focused on tarbiya, that is, the education of children with strong moral and social values. Researchers now say that the woman should have more priority in the eyes of her husband than her children, because a happy and loving relationship between husband and wife in a family means they are more likely to be on the hook. same page when it comes to this tarbiya and raising their children. Otherwise, if there is a quarrel between them, we often see that, unfortunately, the wife or husband will sometimes allow children to do things.
. Coping with differences
As human beings, we have all been created with unique personalities. We therefore expect that our mentalities are not always on the same wavelength as our partners. As time goes on and marital relationships become more mature, both husband and wife may encounter many problems they do not think of the same way, which is perfectly normal! These differences should not cause problems in the marriage unless the husband or wife, or both, blatantly declare that they are not on the same page. Such an assertion can usually be very detrimental because it tells the other person that “we are different” or “we should not be together”. If there is a difference of opinion, being honest without considering each other’s emotions can be extremely detrimental to the relationship. Instead, both should assess the situation and try to find out what is driving their partner to think differently and thus reach an intermediate compromise.
From the earliest stages of marriage, we should always consider this type of problem in order to build good long-term relationships. Rather than letting anything escape our lips in a tantrum, we should consider the implications of our words in the future and the impact of these words on the relationship. It is unfortunate that so many couples have neglected these problems and have had a terrible relationship with their partner year after year. They may end up losing hope of making things better and learning to live in conflict forever! Imagine the message this gives to the children of such a family. Children will learn the secrets of their parents’ happy life. Where will they learn it? All that is shown on television is the sensational dramas that represent for them the worst types of family conflicts: infidelity, infidelity, infidelity, abuse. That’s what makes TV shows juicy, but unfortunately these are just reflections of what a child can see in his own household between his own parents.
At this point, whether our marriage is in its infancy or beyond, we must understand that having problems in a relationship is normal, but we must not let it remain in that state for a long time – active measures must be taken so that: our relations better. The first thing to do is to contact someone who can help you. It does not matter if it’s been 20 years. This person can be an Islamic scholar with whom you have good relations and trust in the solidity of his Islamic knowledge and practice; it can be an uncle or an aunt who understands you and can give you good advice; or it can even be a dear friend. This is where good social relations can help us. Identify the cause of the problem and ask someone to help you solve it. These problems can sometimes be caused by certain personality traits, or by specific problems such as jealousy, arrogance or lust for certain things of the haram, etc. There are adhkar and other specific amal that can help in such cases and help us get rid of them. of these problems. The key here is to make sure we look for our own shortcomings, find solutions, and then take action. If a doctor gives us medication for a problem we have had for a long time, then we must expect to devote time and effort to correctly following the doctor’s prescription to get rid of the long-standing illness. Similarly, when an Islamic scholar, a shaykh, gives us a spiritual prescription for solving the problems of our family life that we may have had for years, we must also exercise caution and diligence and expect to move on some time following these guidelines we of our problem.
Our deen is a lifestyle that encompasses everything. The Prophet (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) dealt with all these questions and left us a perfect example to follow. We should never hesitate to ask for help and guidance from others and must ensure that the dua is continually and abundantly with Allah. We should build relationships with respected “ulema” so that we can turn to them when we need help. Good relationships with family and friends are extremely helpful in helping to resolve family conflicts, so if so, we must always maintain good relationships with those around us. Islam is a social religion and we are social beings. We have not been condemned to hermit life, nor to an existence that lives alone, angry with all others. It is mentioned in a hadith that the believer is a place of affection: there is no good in the one who is not affectionate and who interacts well with the others and the people do not interact well with him ( see Musnad Ahmad). Thus, good social interaction can lead us to great heights. We must commit to identifying the root of the problems we face in our relationships, seeking help from Allah. We must act wisely on the basis of sound counsel and strive to establish a strong relationship with our spouse. InshaAllah will in turn ensure a healthy education and education for our children.